Then Sings My Soul....

RIP John Wright

2011-03-03T23:12:00.000Z

John passed away the 18th of February at 7:35 pm. After my last blog I received the most wonderful Grace from God.. My anger was gone. It allowed me to be compassionate and loving, to be present to his care and needs. On the 31st of January, he went to bed, and couldn't get out again. He went rapidly down hill after that. I was able to keep him at home as I had promised and he died peacfully with our Norfolk Terriers and the cat by his side, as well as myself. I sang to him the only song I could remember at the time.. Jesus Loves Me... and I told him that God was waiting for him and loved him.

Now, I am alone, and I feel as though I have done my very best to the end for a fellow human, my husband and a friend. Asperger's still permeates mylife to some extent as I have started going through John's clutter and collections which include every phone bill for 24 years meticulously saved, every bank statement, every utility bill as well as anything he was interested in on the computer, printed out and filed. It's alot of paper.. but I'll get through it a bit at a time.

I didn't realise how deeply exhausted I was and still am.. both physically and emotionally, I haven't slept longer than 2.5 hours for so long that now I don't. But it's getting better, I have had a couple of days of good sleep. And I know things are going to be alright. The worry, the stress the anger is gone. I am aware that there is a big hole in my being from this loss.. and I am not going to let it be filled up with the same. I am grateful to God and our Lord Jesus for giving me the Grace to see this through.. even though I complained all the way. I am a bigger and better person for it and authentic in my relationship with God. I don't have anything to bitch about anymore.. and I am not going to go looking for something. I am going to bring and feel the Joy in my life.. and do so with an immense amount of Gratitude and Love.
Below is the tribute I wrote for John, to be read at his memorial service 16th of March in Southport, his home town.

John’s Memorial Service

Our John was a genius.. a master of many facts and figures. Skilled at concepts that most of us couldn’t pronounce the name of. He was in a word: Brilliant. But, the most common inter personal things could leave him frustrated and angry. His understanding of human nature, behaviour and nuance left him frustrated and many times blank. John had Asperger’s. It permeated Our life together long before we both knew what that was. It permeated his relationship with everyone who knew him. We all thought of him as an eccentric, awkward academic who was first out of the taxi and last up to the bar and at times, very hard work. But we loved him just the same.

One place he could inter-act freely and not be mis understood was with his animals, and he loved them dearly. When I first met him he had his Cat Charm, a sweet little black cat who came from Steve Trawley who is here today. John took his responsibilities to Charm very seriously when he got her as a kitten he took two weeks holiday time to stay home with her and her brother, Strange, to make sure they were settled in. John used to live in Didcot during the week and come home on weekends to London. When I moved in, Charm and I spent the week together and every
Friday night at 6:00 she would place her self at the front door waiting for John to come home. Charm lived to be 21 years old.. a testament to John’s good care of her.

Later he began a life long love of Norfolk Terriers and each one we had he loved very much. But none compared to the one we called Buffy. Buffy chose John, crawling out of the litter pen and into his ruck sack the day he went to choose a puppy. From the time she came home with him on the overnight train to Inverness from London, she sat on his knee when he drove. She never moved and they went everywhere like that. When Buffy died, it was the only time I saw John cry.

When we learned the prognosis of John’s illness.. he calculated that the odds of having both Asperger’s syndrome and Cholangio carcinoma were 3 million to one. That was John’s approach to life, one of facts, figures and knowledge. I told him, you should buy a lottery ticket then.

John loved his work, his computer, and knowledge, he soaked it up contributing regularly to Wikipedia as an author and editor right up until 3 weeks before he died. Even after he was too weak to talk, he could still use the computer.

I will miss him, even today, I thought, I should tell John this.. I knew I might not get an immediate response from much of my observations, but eventually hours, or days later out of the blue there would come Printed out pages of what I had mentioned and every thing you ever wanted to know about the subject. Whether it was person, place or thing.

We loved him, not because he was smart and clever, but, because of his child like honesty and innocence in his approach to life. And I will miss that.

Tragically Funny

2011-01-26T14:18:00.001Z

I have mega stress.. huge stress.. the top of my head feels as if it is coming off. My neck has horrible spasms and I have chest pains.. I've lost my sense of compassion yet again, and in a huge blow up I yelled at my dying husband yesterday:

"Are you trying to take me with you when you go?"

he replied

"Go where?"

It's that kind of context literalism that can drive one absolutely around the bend. It's not the personal caregiving, or work. I can take that, I am used to that, to hard work. It's the Asperger's it permeates everything I do. It is being the translator and communicator. It is all of these things.. and more. I want to yell, 'Hello in there? Don't you know that this is the end for you, don't you want to do more than surf the web? Read and Edit Wikipedia and listen to Lord of the Rings for the 54th time?' Don't you want to talk???

Well I guess that's all I have to say about that. But, on the physical side, John is thinner if that can be possible. Did you know, that one of the last places that fat goes is your nose? John, has no fat or tissue padding on his nose, it's just a piece of cartiledge covered in skin. Pain is basically under control as far as we can tell. Continence is part time. and his mentation is still clear for the most part.

We don't use a bell or buzzer when he needs something. He IM's me. We do have good conversations via IM, with me downstairs and him upstairs.. but, then we always have. It's how I came to be with him in the first place. How all that articulation can be so fluid in many ways in type, and not verbal sometimes just completely bemuses me.

THE WAITING TIME

2011-01-10T22:23:00.000Z

It's been a year. It's been a rough year here. It's been a time of some wonderful gifts and some horrible trying times. Times when I lost all grace, compassion and kindness. Caring for a person who is terminally ill and has Asperger's syndrome is hard. There's just no other way to put it. I am not whining.. I am telling you it's bloody difficult.

When I was in Florida again this spring.. visiting and house sitting.. I ranted and raved and cried at God, I did not want to go back. Well, you know I did.. and I made it through the summer, I think in part, because, I had a small tour guiding job, taking out busloads of tourists once or twice a week. Just the interchange with normal people helped alot.

In October, John started to go down hill quite rapidly. The tumor had returned and that meant visits to the surgeon, the oncologist etc. That also meant that I had to play translator with the medical community who, just, has a really hard time dealing with John's Asperger's.

This time, at the surgeon's we had to force a prognosis out of him. During his errming and arrring I realised it was he, not us that had the issue with death. John's linear, matter of fact, non emotional discussion of less that 6 months to live disturbed all of them.

Living with this is harder than you think.. It's empty. There's no discussion of our shared life together.. there's no acknowledgement. It is empty. and it is the emptiness that eats me sometimes. He doesn't know what he has missed on God's good earth..

There are no little ironic moments, no nuanced conversations... it is empty. In my prayers at the beginning of the year, after I had finally gone a bit crazy from no respite. God said to me 'I wired him, I'll take care of him'.

That profound little statement has given me much peace. My internal scream, and feeling of implosion has lessened.. and I continue to learn.. learn to live moment by moment.. in this place of waiting time.

The Adventure begins.. sort of..

2010-02-02T12:36:00.000Z

I am about to begin something I thought I would never to again. I am going back to school. I have enrolled at the Highland Theological College. Getting ready today, and fighting the war with my thoughts was a big battle. I was filled with doubt, worry, and self talk that was down right nasty. But, I did make it out the door, walked the mile to the train and waited.. No train.. Great.. by the time I realised there would be no train, it was too late to walk another mile to catch the bus to get to the school. Luckily today was just an introduction to the tutor and Chapel. I wanted to go to chapel.. it didn't happen.

But, what did happen was my realisation about controlling my thoughts and a victory over the self defeating self talk that goes on in my head. At least today, I had a victory.. which brings me to this verse..:

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day Christ Jesus returns. Phillippians 1:6

I hold that verse in my heart today.. cling to it.. and cherish it. And for today I will practice, contentment and self control.. of my thoughts.. and be grateful.

Salvation Lived Out

2010-01-04T16:31:00.001Z

I've found a new blog,Fulcrum Express, by Jim Wright (no relation). Another person who speaks to my condition.. and understands why it is that I and others search for an authentic relationship with Christ Jesus. Its worth a read or three or four. Today I was particularly moved (in the Quaker sense) by his 'Regeneration' post. A youtube video of Paul Washer. Now the man, Paul Washer, has a radical message. It is counter to what is comfortable to me.

I could fill this space with all that I did, and learned, and observed during my 30 day respite. But, I can sum up the total very easily. It became quite clear to me as we landed in Edinburgh, that I can only sustain if I have a church, or body of belivers for fellowship AND the last and most important is this: I can do what is asked ONLY with Jesus by myside ONLY in his Grace can I be sufficient.

That's all, stay tuned..the jouney continues...

For I know the plans I have for you..

2009-12-18T01:26:00.003Z

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ 14

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

I Seek you Lord.. first and foremost.. let your love shine through my every pore.

Hold my hand Lord, hug me and comfort me as I walk in the direction you have set.

Heal me my Lord, replace this grief and sorrow with your Light, compassion and Love.

Help me Lord to seek only you.. take my hand and let me walk with you.

Amen

Thought for the Day...

2009-12-13T18:13:00.002Z

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” Maya Angelou

I am pondering this.. and what that looks like, what it feels like to have one's heart hidden in Christ.. Today, I had some glimpses of it. A feel for it.. I want to cultivate that feeling.

The kindess of others that I have experienced during this trip has left a profound imprint on me.

In my head I am contemplating writing on Caregiving some more, I wish, that every caregiver could have this kind of respite.. I think that it would make a world of difference.

Let the Son Shine In

2009-12-06T17:34:00.006Z

I have spent so long walking on a knife edge with one hand reaching out for God and the other hanging onto the Black Dog.. I have forgotten what joy is. God has blessed me with Respite.. actual Respite.. by giving me the chance to be away from the pressure cooker of my existence ... And I have grasped it with both hands.. letting go of the Black Dog for now.

A while back I had the opportunity to go to Florida this month for ten days and meet my friend Marylee from Oregon at a friend of hers in St Petersburg, Florida. So, I did, I said YES, with out thinking where the resources would come from. Two weeks ago, Carolyn, Marylee's friend asked, would we be willing to stay on and care for her cat and house sit.. MaryLee couldn't.. But again I said YES..with out knowing, how or what.. and so.. I:
Called John's doctor, asked if I could be away for 30 days.. he said 'YES do it now while you can' I asked my daughter if she could cope with John alone, she said 'Yes, mom you need this' and then I asked John, and he said 'ok'.

So here I am, in Florida, in the SUN and Light, in the USA.. for 30 days.. away.

Today, I went to church.. a contemporary, Happy music filled service, and I got my Jesus fix, and It was wonderful.. it is so extravagant to me, to have time, space, warmth and FREEDOM to be.. to ponder, and to get perspective. God has blessed me with this time.. and I want to use it well.

One thing that I am pondering.. is how as I left Inverness.. the sadness that has covered me began to drop away.. Another is.. How, the only Person that really fills my heart.. the way I want to be filled.. is Jesus.. The rest.. is not in my purview to worry about. My future is not in my hands, my responsibility lies only with Loving God, Letting God's extravagant Grace fill me, and Trusting.

I don't know what is to come.. I don't know if the Black Dog will return .. and I am not going to contemplate it.. nurse it or chew on it.. I am going to be present.. in this moment of Respite.. and with that I give you this:

Ordinary Things

2009-09-30T18:12:00.002+01:00

The odds of having both Asperger's Syndrome AND Pancreatic Cancer are 20million to 1. John figured this out today while we were in the waiting room at the doctors office. Now how in the world can anyone be so brilliant and so head blind is something that I marvel at daily. And Bless him, I think John does too.

Trying to tie my circumstances with what God has in mind for me on a daily basis is the hardest thing I have ever done. Whilst I know that this is where I am supposed to be, I can not for the life of me understand it all. I know, now that it's not just John's soul that's being saved but, mine too.

The ordinary things of my day, bring me the greatest joys at the moment. And I contine my conversation with God, continuously nagging and talking, arguing and repenting.. I guess that's what a personal and authentic relationship is all about.

And again I fall on my knees...

2009-09-29T18:58:00.003+01:00

I stopped writing here when things became so overwhelming that all I could do was cling to God's love for me and hang on. John, my husband 'son' had his surgery, has denied chemotherapy and continues to function at a fair level. Although, he is getting weaker.

My only hope and comfort is that I know that I am where God wants me to be. It's not easy, but learning to wear that task in my own skin has become easier. My summer was thankfully peaceful, prayerful and quiet. But with the loss of the light comes the dark times of my soul once again. And I struggle with an un named fear as we move towards the inevitable outcome of this disease and situation.

Learning to live without having much control in one's day today life is a true excercise in trust. It continues to be a roller coaster. Everyday struggles with the NHS, doctors, health visitors, and John become exhausting.

The good things in my life are the dogs, my on line friends and my neighbors here. John continues to hold fast to his belief that there is nothing after death, and there is no God. Having him remember and recall his days in the hospital as something totally different to what happened is a sharp pain to me. Being told that his boss was at his bedside more than me was a great shock to my ego.

Learning that God does give us more than we can bear.. but Does give us the comfort we need has been an amazing lesson in Grace.

AND I have become God's Nag.. I pray, I nag and I appeal daily to my Lord and the Spirit to give me the grace to care for this person whom part of me still loves and I know that in his Asperger's Autustic way depends on and loves me.

Well, I will try to be more faithful to my blog again. Perhaps there is someone out there that reads and this will help.

Pax Christi

What's up?

2009-04-21T19:08:00.006+01:00

I am trying, I am really trying to Trust, to forgive, to be forgiven, to be decent. It just seems to be raining 'shite' today and yesterday and the other days. I am really, DEAR LORD, at the bottom. Having to take a leave of absence from work, no pay check after Friday. An ex husband who is autistic, and seriously ill. I am trying to be thankful.. to be grateful, that we do have an income, that we have food and a roof over our head. But, right now at this moment.. it is very hard to see anything but the rain on our heads.

And I am mad... quite literally pissed off.. at God.. at this and this song seems to fit very well. I can't help it, its what I feel.. along with all the other things right now. And, I do know it's not about me at this moment in time.. but if I am to have an honest and real relationship with the One with my heavenly father then, I must say it all. I don't have to act.. but I have to, as the song says below, get it out of my head.

What’s Up?

25 years AND my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realised quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made FOR this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

[Chorus:]
And So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
JUST To get it all out what's in my head
AND I, I Am feeling a little peculiar
AND So I wake in the morning and I step
Outside AND I take deep breath
AND I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on

And I SING hey-YEAH-YEA-EAH, EAH HEY YEA YEA
I said hey! what's goin' on
And I SING hey-YEAH-YEA-EAH, EAH HEY YEA YEA
I said hey! what's goin' on

OOOH, OO! OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO
OO-OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOO
OOOH! OOO-AAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO
OO-OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOO Whats up?

And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution

[Chorus:]
And So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
JUST To get it all out what's in my head
AND I, I Am feeling a little peculiar
AND So I wake in the morning and I step Outside
AND I take deep breath
AND I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on

And I SING hey-YEAH-YEA-EAH, EAH HEY YEA YEA
I said hey! what's goin' on
And I SING hey-YEAH-YEA-EAH, EAH HEY YEA YEA
I said hey! what's goin' on

And I SING hey-YEAH-YEA-EAH, EAH HEY YEA YEA I said hey! what's goin' on
And I SING hey-YEAH-YEA-EAH, EAH HEY YEA YEA
I said hey! what's goin' on

Good Friday

2009-04-11T06:31:00.003+01:00

My life has taken such a turn the last 8 days. It is amazing how a situation can change so rapidly. A week ago my husband was admitted to the hospital with jaundice, no pain, and itching. We now suspect he has pancreatic cancer. That fast ( snaps fingers) things changed.

Now let me be clear.. my husband is not an easy person.. he has Asperger's syndrome, he is literal, he is brilliant, but incapable of empathy. We have spent a year and a half in counseling, coming to the conclusion this winter that, we really weren't a married couple. I was caregiver, mother, sister and friend, but not wife. We had come to an somewhat easy peace with this and I was getting my own life back. Looking for work back in the USA. Then this happened. John is an atheist.

I do know these things at this moment.. this isn't about me.. it is about compassion, and the fact no matter what this man too was created to be loved by God and needs to be given the chance to know that. That the amazing Grace that God has given me, unqualified, unending and abundant, is also there for John.
God through his Son, Christ Jesus, has reached out to me and for me and loved me when I didn't even want to look at or pray to Him. How much more is John, the least of us, loved?

It has taken me several sleepless nights of prayer to come to this place of Grace, Amazing Grace, where I can reach out and say to the person that has hurt me so deeply, 'I will be here for you, and I will not leave. I will make sure that you get everything you need.'

Isn't that just what Jesus did for me today?

The still small voice.... gets louder

2009-02-24T17:11:00.004Z

I look back on my" a bit peeved post" with ultimate embarrassment.. for being so egocentric and well, spoiled. But, I think, that the lesson there was to be authentic with what I felt. Own it, and ultimately ask for help with it. AND rest and trust in that space between me and God called Grace.

You see my phrase 'I want to be comforted' was and is short hand. I was blessed in my younger years with a faith that really allowed me to hear and feel God at times. To Feel and Know the Grace and Light that is God in a sublimely mystical way. And somehow in my managing my own affairs, I lost that. Coming back now to a place of longing for God, I was only given, I only had the knowing. Not the Feeling and hearing that Still Small Voice. And I was head blind, and lonely. It took me and takes me alot of discipline to 'show up' for my devotions and wait. Being bed bound 20 hours a day didn't help. That's alot of time to think. As much as I disdain navel gazing.. I spent alot of time in the self indulgent practice of it over the last 4 weeks.

I can be my own worst critic..shaming myself on a regular basis, I am really very good at pointing a finger at me. That is all a very ego centric practice you know? It assumes that I have control over much of the world and the events that surround me. And I am not releasing the process nor the outcomes to my Lord, Saviour and Giver of Grace. It's like being a two year old spiritual infant I think.. (oops I am finger pointing rather than just owning.)

I have been job seeking back in the USA for about 6 months now. And as we all know its a crisis for you all over there as well as here. I have a wonderful job here in many ways but it does not feed my soul. All of my working life, for the most part, until I moved to the UK I worked for religious organisations. My jobs here have been with secular organisations.. and I just have no heart for it. Well meaning and valuable as they are, I can not find with in me the vigor nor enthusiasm to ask and seek funds for these groups. I am not happy with my work. I have prayed for months now for direction and guidance.

It didn't help that, in the beginning of my job search a job was presented to me that in my mind was perfect in all aspects. A school of Theology, the right salary and an offer of housing for three months.. perfect. The interviews went well, we did the money talk and then I returned home and waited. I praised God, I was on my knees in thanks. Then, two weeks later, a brief email came to me. The job offer was not made, and they had 'decided to go in a different direction'. I was stunned. How could God present me with such a perfect opportunity and then snatch it away? All through the process until that email, my one prayer was if this is your will God, please make it so' After my round of grief and disappointment.. I remembered my prayer. I had asked, this was the response.. and I had to accept it. Like it or not. And I did accept it. It hurt, I felt at first, betrayed and abandoned once again.

You are wondering what on earth does this have to do with my still small voice and lack there of? Well there is a point to all of this. Last week, a friend sent me a link to a newspaper article. One of the major contributing religious organisations to the School of Theology had filed for Chapter 11. Not that I take comfort in their troubles, I don't. In fact I pray for them daily, but I can see some of why perhaps they did change directions and why, now, I am not there. AND it wasn't about me. (that's an infant response).

So back now to me looking for work, asking for direction, getting sick and being forced to lay in bed, my great friend the black dog of depression at my side keeping my feet warm and my heart cold. I decided to 'show up' by sending my CV to anybody who looked likely, and fit my general criteria and that I was qualified for. I had no response from anybody. I think that this is mainly because in this financial crisis why pay for some one to fly to the USA for an interview? On some, I even offered to pay for my flight (God knows how I can do that). But no one responded except for a few thank you for your application we will be back with you.

Well, finally, someone has responded. A group that, when I did my full investigation, moved me and gave me goose bumps, and when watching a video about them, I felt God and I heard the still small voice again. That, in itself is significant. I could see what I could do for them, what I could bring, and what they could give to me. I could grasp their mission, values and core beliefs with both hands and say 'YES'.

Will I get a full interview? Dunno Is this job meant for me.. well I think so but it is up to God. The point is.. not any of this. But rather, that the still small voice, that glorious feeling of forgiveness and Grace became apparent and I 'felt' it. Call it a renewal experience if you will, but I cherish it and Thank God for just being God and being there and here, back in my heart.

Sometimes the only prayer is to ask to desire to pray. Sometimes just showing up is all I can do. But, I do know, and feel and believe that God is there and here with me. Asking me to step up, Grow up, and be a partner and participant in the Glory and Grace that is planned for us all.

OM International is the group.. here is their link. Have a look, I find them exciting, relevant and ethical. Non denominational, authentic and Grace filled, true to God's Word.

May I direct you to.....

2009-02-22T23:09:00.002Z

Could I direct you to, today, a wonderful piece that just stirred my soul..

Andy Little's discussion of the Beatitudes. Much of what he writes, is not new to me, but is so well put and cogently presented. AND it has renewed me.. and my understanding.. of many things. The writing has caused me to Stop and say.. 'Oh, I remember that'.

I struggle with humble.. I have a hard time with my self image and confidence, I walk the tight rope of healthy attitude and self loathing.. so I really equate with poor in spirit, and I try oh Lord how I try to keep the balance of ego and self.

I deeply desire to be pure of heart. As I said in the last post, first I must admit and find the root of my 'hard' time. (what ever it is for that moment) To be honest with my self so that I can release it unto the Grace and forgiveness of God.

And perhaps that is what it is to be meek, to know, how much I fall short and that the overwhelming abundance of grace covers me so that I can seek out my darker places and expose them to the Light.

More than... a bit peeved

2009-02-19T04:25:00.002Z

I haven't written for awhile.. mainly because I have been ill. In the hospital a couple of times with suspected pulmonary embolis and the possible failure of filter that was put in 30 years ago. You are probably thinking by now..'Oh, she's mad because she's sick' and well no. I have been peeved at God because ... I couldn't feel the comfort that I expected in a time like this. and boy was I pissed off.

But something ordinary happened.. something small, a person, who I have met from blogging dropped me a quick email.. The Rev Andy said... 'are you ok?' . And you know I wrote back telling him of my angst.

Well, it was that very admission of anger to another.. that I was angry at feeling alone, abandoned and sick.. that helped lift me up. Quickly after Rev Andy's email came one from my dear friend who told me she was really feeling down we started ' the itty bitty pitty party bar and grill'. Which I may say is still open.

Now my point in all of this is that we must acknowledge what we feel before we can offer it up to God.. it is the process of understanding the root of my 'feelings' that helps me heal. In my case, I felt that I was more than doing my share.. and I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to feel 'safe'. Still do.. and my discovery is this.. that safe feeling comes from confidence.. Confidence that God's word is true.. that God does not leave us.. and.. that God sends people Like the Reverend Andy.. to comfort me. Just when I needed it.

Small, simple and not nearly as dramatic as I would have liked.. (some day I hope Roma Downey comes flying in Irish accent and all and brings me a sunbeam of my own) but wonderful none the less in its content.
Someone 3,500 miles away who has never met me.. but for my words.. was worried about me.

Thank you.. God and Andy..

First Day

2009-02-01T12:41:00.000Z

Well it is Sunday, Sonday, First Day as we Quakers have been wont to call it. Today is the day that every other week I prepare the music for St Patrick's Church in Kinvarin. Wow, you say, where on earth is that. Well, its a church, a lay ministry run by a lovely woman named Elspeth Woolley and its in Cyberspace, on the Grid, in the realm of the bits and bytes of Second Life (tm).

The preparation of this music has become for me an exercise in waiting on the spirit, feeling the Holy nudge. Elspeth's service is broad in its message, ecumenical in its tenor and inclusive in its intent. It has to be.. our community in the cyber world is the same. There are anywhere from 15 - 20 attenders on any given, every other, Sunday.

On Saturdays at 6pm my time I attend Quaker meeting in the cyber-world. (I can see your eyebrows raised) The very nature of Meeting is that of 'where one or more are gathered in my name'. Jesus didn't specify how.... and it is with this trust in the promise of the word that I sit in silence at my computer and wait upon the Spirit.

This waiting is by far the most disciplined of all my Practices of Faith, because, not only must I wait in my own surroundings, but I have unseen others* with whom I am waiting with for the Holy Spirit. I have a responsibility to wait upon the Lord in good Faith.. not be distracted by dogs, cats, and other things that can happen in a household at 6pm on a Saturday night. Many of the unspoken cues that we use in a gathered worship are not there.. the shift of a seat, the sigh or deep breath of a Friend. And so this part of community is missing and must be made up for in other ways. We have 15 - 20 attenders every Saturday at meeting. A budding Peace and Justice committee and a longing to provide more information for seekers and those that are interested. It is an interesting medium to be a Quaker in.. this cyberspace world where your neighbor could be a 7 meter tall wolf or fox or zebra.. or just the guy/gal next door.

Worship, Witnessing, expression of Faith and Practice is challenging in the cyber world. It is a place where only one's words are there to be read and excepted. There are no other cues or visual judgements or prejudices to get in the way. Only what one has to say.. a true 'What doest thou say?' situation.

Yesterday in the wee small hours of the morning I was challenged by a young man in just that way. He said to me out of the blue:

"If God loves all of his children, then he needs a visit from social services cause he's definitely not a good parent."

I didn't want to debate nor did I want to be happy clappy about how God is in all things even if we can't see it. It was clear as our conversation continued that this young man was in no mood to be comforted, he was wounded and saw God as the OFWG. 'What doest thou say?' was pounding in my ears as I searched for an explanation of why.. and I just couldn't find the words to comfort nor enlighten this young man in a way that would speak to him. Except for this: 'I really know how you feel, I have been there many times, but I still believe in a God who is kind and who is loving and cares for us all. Why these things happen is not something that I can answer easily there is no easy answer. But all I can say is I believe that it all works to the plan of God and that not believing leaves me alone in a cold and heartless world. I do not want to be in a world that is cold and heartless.. and I choose to believe.' Now that was a really stoopid answer I thought.. but a voice in me said.. you never know what will come of your words.

I don't know if my words were comforting or enlightening.. I do know that this young person needed to rant.. and not be judged nor chided nor preached to. So.. there you go.. a witness in cyberspace.. but it could have been anywhere.

**** In Second Life, other people are seen, they are their chosen Avatar. You can see them, rather how they choose to be seen. I am referring to the 'Real Life Person' in this statement. People choose their avatars and how they look and it can be anything. (that in its self can be a cue or not and deserves a whole paper) ...****

My point is in this ramble on First Day is this: People are seeking for meaning and answers in all of our wilderness.. aetherical and cyber. So back to the beginning.. my music for today at St Patrick's in Kinvara will contain 'How Great thou Art'.
It is below for your enjoyment:

Ordinary things.

2009-01-30T12:57:00.000Z

Ordinary things are... well ordinary. And I have had a few ordinary days, in an extra- ordinary God filled landscape of days. I have repeatedly said.. I am trying to redefine my relationship with God.. and you know.. that is a big deal.. for God.. and for me too.

It means that I can't fall back on old definitions or expectations of how God will react, or try to fall back on MY old behaviors. Which I have been doing in my humane-ness. Knowing God intimately is a or should be a voluptuous, round and succulent experience. I am using feminine type adjectives here on purpose because.. I have a way that I see God that is not feminine. It is rigid, rule bound and well.. OFWG. Yet, how can that be the nature of God, is the wind rigid? Is the Air we breathe scentless and sterile. And neither are we.. and we were created in Love to be Loved by God.

I think God might be messy, and I like that, for creative minds are rarely tidy. How could a creator who created the senses be anything but messy? Now I have skirted the gender issue here about God because.. It just is too big in our little world. And the only way I can really think of this triumvirate Glory is as God the ALL_ Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit_ the blessed wind. God of this is definately Feminine to me in so many ways here.

I feel today that trying to put a fence around my understanding is like trying to shove a huge feather pillow, down into a small Pillowcase. Everytime I shove one bit in.. another pokes up somewhere else.
So ordinary.. but so Not. Today I feel limited by My Ordiaryness.. and inablility to define God.

So this is a day when in the ordinary, I find the Extra ordinary of Grace. The space between me and God.. and Jesus and the Spirit. And it is in the lack of my ability to be articulate, shiny and wonderful.. that I find messy, succulent and voluptuous ... JOY and PEACE beyond understanding in a very Humane.. way.

That's all today.. just Joy and Peace.. in a very ordinary day.

Janny

Moving on.....

2009-01-24T04:35:00.000Z

You know, I read that first blog a bit ago once again and thought wow, I sound like one of those 'I Found it' people from the 70's - 80's. And well.. I haven't.. or I guess I am redefining IT. Now I don't know exactly all that means. But I know that I am looking for a language that doesn't set off cues in me that cause that natural knee jerk cynicism that lives in my bones.

One such cue happened a bit ago. I was listening to a podcast from the blog 'The God Journey'

The comment was 'God allows these things to happen' Now that just puts hackles up my back immediately.. Why? Why is this..?

Is this because I don't want to believe in a God who 'Allows' things to happen? Allows implies choice and there is something there that just doesn't sit well with me. It has a background noise to me that says..'Well if God Allows, then he can NOT allow too' It says that all my pain.. could have been different.. if God had Not allowed certain things to happen. And then I start down a slippery road of alot of stuff that really leads nowhere. And I am redefining this relationship I have with God.

So lets start fresh, and feel it again 'God Allows this to happen' nope still pisses me off. And I think it's because (trying to be cogent again) it brings everything down to a human level of ordinary-ness. It 'Allows' me to pass personal responsibility elsewhere. Somewhere I feel that statement is too small. I can live with 'Stuff Happens'.

But I can't live with Allows. It makes me feel like there is some big Old Fat White Guy up there playing eenie meanie miney moe. And I am redfining the Old Fat White Guy.. stepping outside the box..

I am still thinking about this. I know there are others with more intelligence and thought that have wrote reams on this issue.. Why do bad things happen.. Why Does God Allow? It's called in religious speak 'Theodicy'.

I only know this.. that the one common denominator in all my failures was me.. and my choices. I also know, that there was that still small voice that I either did or didn't listen to. In most cases. Of course there were a few BIG WHAMMY's that I totally did not feel coming.. but then again.. Stuff happens.

Sorry there is no answer to this for you from me .. I am just resting in the exquisite 'wasteful' grace with this one that the Mystery of God provides me with his Son and Spirit. (ack! I said His that's a whole nuther blog). I sense that it is the exploration of the Why this bothers me that is important.. not the actual answer.

Janny

And Sings My Soul.. Welcome to the Show that never ends

2009-01-23T07:20:00.000Z

A f(F)riend of mine asked if I blogged about spiritual matters. I said.. I don't.. no. I have a blog.. its about my adventures in Second Life and about me but never about things of the spirit. But, I have developed a Bubble if you will.. and indwelling bulge in my heart that appears to want out.. so.. out it comes in its own blog.. an exploration of my relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. What makes me turn my back.. and made me turn my back and walk away after a life time of 'Christian Belief' and what is turning me.. 45% around and walking me again towards a Truth that 'is a light in an ocean of darkness' and back to a message that I have known since childhood: 'There is only one who can answer unto my condition, and that is Christ Jesus.'(George Fox).

So put on your hat and come with me as I explore my relationship, hopeful reconciliation, and wanted renewal in Christ Jesus.

23 January 2009

23 Jan 2009

Last night I cried myself to sleep again feeling so lonely and alone. Wanting to be loved and love. To be in a relationship with some one who cherishes me, adores me.. and loves me. Last night I prayed again.. Please God send this to me. For it is all I have ever wanted. truly wanted.

I cried into my tear soaked pillow.. 'Please God Show me the way.. send me a sign.' (I hate it when I do that) and then the day began to unfold once again .. I have my great sadness.. it has its own capital letters and a home in my home.(talk about the black dog can be found here: http://soleilsnook.livejournal.com/) It sits with me.. and I looked at it.. and the truth that has been bubbling up in me for a few days bubbled again. And.. I took note.. and went on with my day. But one thing led me to another, and as, I was explaining to a friend.. about this new acquaintance I have been making with my God. How I am learning.. that I was created solely to live in a relationship with God, to be loved by God, the sheer exercise of trying to sound articulate and cogent .. led me to the greatest truth.. again.. I was created to be loved by God.

To me this is such a different twist.. I can not describe what the phrase.. Created to be loved by God.. means to me.. only that it turned all my intentions and inventions on their ear. I am not a neophyte into the Evangelical Christian world.. I have been raised.. loved and wounded in that church.. I have explored New Age thought, I have been loved and wounded in that church... I have explored worked and learned of other religions, I am a seeker.. but never have I found a truth, a phrase, that rung out so clearly to me as.. I was created to be loved by God and all that matters is the relationship that I develop with my Creator as I am loved. All that matters is the relationship.. which I have danced with so badly at times.. with Jesus.. I have thrown my whole heart at Jesus.. my will and love and faith at times.. and been wounded beyond belief... I have circled Jesus.. ranted raved and cursed the Son.. slammed my fist against my Father.. in deep despair and finally walked out for good for 20 years.

Now.. I am a woman who has been Married 3 times.. always in good faith.. always with my whole heart.. always to be wounded. I sit here today.. in a cold and freezing room.. married yet not married to the third.. and still I long to be loved. It is dawning on me.. I only need work on getting one good relationship right.. that of my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy spirit. That true relationship, of honesty, forthrightness, and total commitment.. till death us do part. Because I was Created.. to be loved by God.

This is no trite phrase.. this is no 'god didn't make junk' sound bite. this is profound offset 10degrees shake up of my world .. .. 'I was created to be loved'.

For me what this simple phrase does.. is nothing short of miraculous. It frees me from of living with an underlying volume of shame so deep and loud that it constantly threatens any sense of sanity, of dreams not only destroyed but obliterated by personal failure, of hope so tenuous that only suicide seemed at times to offer a solution.

Is this going to be easy? 'Oh hell no.. my experience tells me that it isn't. Is this going to be fun? Well I doubt it. But I believe with all my heart.. that it is the way.. to finding that Joy and feeling of belonging.. of being cherished.. that I have sought since I was five and stood and looked out at the night sky and knew that someone was waiting for me, looking for me.. wanting me. And all the time.. it was The ONE I have known.. since birth.. and didn't recognise.. My Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit.. ****

Welcome to the Show that never ended..

Janny

My deep and heartfelt thanks to William Paul Young author of The Shack.. And to Mary Sue Evers, Pastor at UCC Aloha, OR , Mary Lee Planer .. friend.. sister and spiritual mentor and Scot Headley, my F(f)riend. AND most of all my deepest gratitude to OL for long nights of deep disscussion of these things. And a small conversation that led me back to Home.